April 2 (afternoon) - Another reader who is going through
breast cancer also wrote the following after reading my last update when
I was so down. I am sure she is right and am so glad she wrote this to
me. I will pull out of this I know. I have now progressed to being angry
and a bit sullen that I had to do all this. Well, it is progress…………
Anyway, on to what she wrote………..
“I think our bodies have been so compromised, even more then we
allow ourselves to think. Maybe you might consider taking something for
depression upon occasion? I just think we try so hard to be what we consider
normal, that we overtax not only our physical but emotions also. I continually
have to remind myself (mastectomy recovery) it has only been since Jan
12th 2004. For some strange reason I keep thinking, “What is wrong
with me?” Then I have to look at the calendar and count back...gee
it hasn’t been but a few months since surgery! The experts say,
it takes as much as one year to begin to feel normal for some people.
If I may be so bold, I think for people like myself and possibly you (over
achievers) we continue to push ourselves to the limit...you look at your
schedule compared to the schedule you had before your illness. You have
slowed down considerably right? Well, I will tell you your schedule now
is probably 10 times more then what most women do your age on any given
day who have never had cancer...and I think you know that, and that is
wherein lies the problem! O.K, I have preached enough.. sorry if I have
stepped on any toes...just continue to take care of yourself and know
I think of you often...”
Another reader wrote whose husband is going through cancer; “I
wish I were there with you so we could cry together. I see you and my
husband going through similar days. No one who hasn't experienced it for
themselves or with someone they love can begin to imagine what it is like.
You have made it this far and have changed so many lives along the way.”
I had a friend call and suggest that maybe the journals were contributing
to my sadness, keeping it all in the forefront. Maybe, but they are something
I have to do and I pointed out that I mostly have great days so bad ones
once in a while are pretty normal – for everyone! I wrote about
my sadness mainly to remind people that it is not over when you are finished
with surgeries and chemo. And, especially for people who read the journals
that maybe have more bad days than I do so they know that it is quite
normal. I think that I would not be behaving normally for my situation
if I never had a bad day!
I think my maybe problems may be due to the fact that I am tired again
after my trip and still have to prepare to go away again shortly. These
trips have been scheduled and I will not cancel them, I am not THAT tired!
As soon as I ship this stuff out, I will be calmer (that’s the plan,
anyway). I am stressed with all I have to do and need to learn how to
handle the stress better than I am. I just “did it” before
and now I see I have to change my ways, yet again! I think my friend hit
the nail on the head when she said we want to feel normal so badly we
forget the time line and overtax ourselves.
April 3 – Well, I am just fine today! That depression/sadness/anger
thing was like a drug that eventually wore off! Jen and I went shopping
today as I decided today was the day I got a new wig. Went back to the
same store I got the other three at, Wig Villa, and had a ball, just like
the last time. Tried on about ten and ended up buying two more! One I
am calling Joan Jett, looks like Sassy Simone grown out a bit and is more
auburn with dark brown streaks and the other I am calling Dramatic Drucilla!
She is short at the back, longer on top and sides and is dark brown, a
bit darker than what’s left of the brown in my own hair. Both wigs
will allow for my own hair escaping out from under the wig to not be noticeable.
You are probably asking why I would buy two more at this point in time
and the answer is – “I want them!” I now have two more
personalities to choose from each morning. I do plan on wearing them at
conventions and when I travel teach as it is very easy to care for my
hair (no blow dryer, no curling iron, no gels, no hair spray – only
some shampoo to pack!) I will have to retire Sassy Simone until I dye
my own hair red as my dark hair shows now too easily under her as she
is so short.
April 6 – Finally, the days that are just normal seem to be outweighing
the days that something breast cancer related is happening. However, I
do have one more disappearing boob story for you. Now I have to check
these things out as I am beginning to notice what it feels like when they
disappear! I was bending over at the waist unpacking some merchandise
and I felt the “pull.” Sure enough, that position, even though
I was not using my arms, uses the very same chest muscles and there they
were, over to the sides again. What a surprise someone would get if they
happened to sneak a peek down my shirt front if I was bending over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may just have to start wearing a bra so I can harness the Twins in place!!!!!!!!!!!!
A word about the little bench that set me off in the last update…………I
did put it right by the side of one of the main paths in my garden so
I can see it all the time, I just tucked it behind some Mexican Petunias
and in front of a rose bush so you just see the very top of it. I really
do like the sentiment even if it made me cry!
Flavia quotes: “Wake each morning with the thought that something
wonderful is about to happen.” What a great way to start the day!
And this one: “In those rare quiet moments, we are given the chance
to contemplate what really matters.” That is exactly what happened
during those times when I was so tired from the chemo and just sat around.
Had a lot of time to think about my life. So…………take
some time for yourself and think about what really matters to you and
then figure out how to accomplish that in your life. Feels good I can
tell you!
Shipped stuff off to Carson City, Nevada, yesterday for my next seminars.
Whew, I had forgotten how much work was involved in travel teaching until
I began to prepare for Knoxville, Carson City and even here in Orlando
at the end of April when I don’t even have to fly anywhere! I am
booking into 2006 but not offering nearly as many dates as I have in the
past. I have a lot of travel to do between now and August (it was already
booked before all my problems reared their ugly heads!) and it is exhausting
when you are at your best, health wise so have decided to see about having
the nipple reconstruction done in August after my last trip for a while.
I don’t leave again until October and that is to take a class myself
with my friends, Karan and Patte in North Carolina! Originally, I had
booked this time free for me to write another book. Well, I haven’t
finished the last one so I will try and work on that one and go and visit
Jaime & Co. in Dallas in September to recuperate. Since Dr. J is doing
a skin graft from my tummy to create the areolas and they will be sewn
onto my boobs (ye-ouch, that even sounds weird!) I have to be careful
to not disturb the stitches. He will be creating the nipple form my own
chest skin but there will be cuts and stitches there, too. The areas will
be bandaged for a while so will need to be here to see him for that, too.
I go to see him the end of April to determine when I would have the nipple
reconstruction surgery and will be leaving for Phoenix on the 25th of
May so figure by the time we get the surgery set up and I go have it,
I then would only have a couple of weeks before I had to fly again. I
teach again three days after I return from Phoenix so no rest there and
leave again for Maryland on June 18th, return on the 21st and Chloe flies
in on the 25th. She leaves on July 3rd, my sister Tina flies in on the
16th to run my booths at a trade show here in Orlando while I teach, she
leaves on the 20th and I leave again for Ocala, Florida on the 30th and
then in August for Columbus, Ohio on the 9th! I am tired myself just reading
that! However, on a very positive note – I am capable of doing all
that now and it has only been seven and a half months since my mastectomy
surgery. For those of you reading this who are going through this same
battle there is and ending to the dreadful tiredness and life will go
on. The key element in that statement is - Life will go on! When you are
in the middle of all the chemo treatments it is sometimes easy to lose
sight of that when you feel so rotten. At that point, I could only take
one day at a time to get through. Way too much effort to try and think
of weeks and months in the future. My goal was to get past the rotten
feeling in the days after chemo! So………. the whole babbling
on about the trips is to reassure you (and me!) that you do recover and
regain your strength. You jut really have to focus on hanging in there
and giving your body sufficient time to recover.
The wig trend continues! Spoke to a friend yesterday and she said she
had a wig somewhere in her closet and she is going to dig it out and take
it in to be cut and styled and is going to start wearing it again for
both fun and convenience. Her mom is in a nursing home and she never knows
when she will be called to come there in an emergency. I told her it is
like putting on a hat! Touch up your make-up, plop on the wig and you
are out the door!
Here is a scene from my new life as opposed to my old life. Yesterday
Harold was home during the day as he is working nights again this week.
I just got started with my work day and he said “Let’s go
to breakfast and to Home Depot to get mulch.” (I am mulch queen
– would rather have a good supply of mulch on hand than diamonds!)
Old me would have said, “Sorry, I have too much work to do.”
New me said, “Let my put my hat on! Who shall I be today?”
(I was Sassy Simone one more time as I know she is Harold’s favorite).
Still have the same work waiting for me but I promised myself it would
not interfere with family this go around with life. It was quite a heady
feeling sneaking off on Monday morning! I am my own boss, mind you, but
I am also a hard task master! What mattered here most was the time spent
with Harold, not the fact I missed some hours of work time. I even impressed
myself with my new attitude! Didn’t even feel guilty! Progress!
On a roll with the Flavia quotes today – how does she come up with
all these great things?????? “We feel sadness so that we may know
happiness lest we overlook it.” That one certainly hits home to
me!
Here is an excerpt form an email from the friend who bought the wigs
after her hair disaster in my last update. She writes, “I used to
wear wigs all the time.............at one time I had 21..........all colors,
styles and lengths. Fun! So I immediately went to the Wig Shoppe. FUN
! I must have tried on a dozen styles and colors. The saleslady........Carol.........was
having as much fun as I was. We laughed till we cried. Well, I made four
great friends that day.....Carol.....Sassy Sally ....... Jazzy Jessie
and Two Tone Tess. When you cannot decide, buy all three! I figure they
will pay for themselves in haircutting alone. So by the time I don't have
to color as often and the time alone spent at Beauty parlors.........hey,
I have saved time and money!!!!!” Is that not a hoot! I love it!
She plays the name game well, don’t you think!
April 6 – I am going to murder Harold! We were out for a ride in
the neighborhood last night and he saw a couple of our neighbors and stopped
and backed up to talk to them even after I told him, “Not now!”
as I had no makeup on at all, not one smidge, and had the Press n’
Place hair! It was just getting dark so could he just chat in the darkness?
Oh, no - he has to turn on the interior light in his truck so I was now
in the spotlight. He had seen the neighbors the other day and they were
asking about me so he was being kind, I know, but now everyone was staring
at me and I am not at my best without makeup and hair! I have worn eye
make-up since my teens and never go out in public without it. After all
these years – that is what I look like to me. I don’t know
who that very plain woman is in the mirror! Trust me, I will be ninety-five
and still wearing eye make-up! If my hand gets too shaky I will just have
it tattooed on! I’m telling you, without make-up and longer hair
I look very much like a guy! Especially since I had on a T-shirt with
the neck and arms cut off! So very feminine! I did manage to mutter to
him that he was a dead man before they came up to the truck. Then out
comes one of the gals husband and he feels the need to hug me through
the truck window and tell me how great I look! He had been drinking and
his eyes were a bit glazed over so that is why he thought that! I was
not really angry with Harold but told him not to do that to me again!
April 9 – Today is my baby’s birthday! Jennifer turns thirty
today! How can that possibly be?????? She went out with friends last night
and will go to a party in her honor tomorrow but tonight we are taking
her to dinner. She is still trying to decide where she wants to go. We
always have to factor Harold in there as he is strictly a “meat
and potatoes” kind of guy. No
“Sushi” or dishes he cannot pronounce!!!!!!!! Who shall I
be tonight? Joan Jett or Dramatic Drucilla????????
I am feeling totally normal these days as far as tiredness and soreness.
Nothing out of the ordinary at all. No crashing emotions – ER was
on last night but I quickly turned that off! No need to aggravate my emotions!
Chest feels firm – like I have well developed chest muscles –
no soreness at all. No other lingering symptoms except the short term
memory and that will either come back or I will learn to live with it.
The Twins are settling in to their new surroundings quite nicely! I have
been wearing just T-shirts and pants when I am out and about, since it
is getting hotter here and still no bra! I am really lovin’ that
part of all of this! I am also post-menopausal so no periods anymore either!
Life is good!
Hair report! I almost went out in public yesterday with my own hair.
Took Sassy Simone along just in case and did succumb to her charms at
the end. I try the gel thing about once a week and yesterday it actually
didn’t look quite so horrid. It does seem to have some curl going
on or at least it is not stick straight. The lawn guy came yesterday and
I did go out to talk with him in my own hair. I am fine at home –
it is just out in public I lose my confidence! Harold woke up around noon
(he worked nights again) and said “Grab your hat and let me take
you somewhere.” Wouldn’t tell me where. Asked him if I really
needed my wig and he said “I’m not sure.” Hmmmmmmmm………..
I didn’t put Simone on in the truck, figured if we were going to
an auto parts place or drive through lunch it wouldn’t matter. Well,
he found a new plant nursery! I needed Simone. There were other women
there. I have thought about this and have come to the conclusion I don’t
mind men seeing me with my own hair but do not like to be around women
I don’t know or don’t know well, without my wig! Must be because
women notice things like that more than men do. My wigs are my safety
nets – I fit in when I have them on. To me anyway and right now
it is me I am concerned with!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a wonderful time and now
have to get all my new stuff planted! Soooooooooooooo nice to know I can
do that and not be tired except for good ole’ normal gardening aches
and pains!
Just found out yesterday that another of my friends has had breast cancer,
lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, the whole nine yards. Never knew that, as
it was before I met her, but it is wonderful to me to see her going about
her nice normal, day-to-day business! Very comforting!
In that same vein of thought, it is a bit scary to find out just how
many people I know that have been affected by cancer. Please, please,
get your checkups and make sure everyone you love gets theirs, too! It’s
the “early detection thing saves lives” thing again.
Flavia quote: “Kindred spirits bring us joy when we need it most.”
Many of you have done just that for me during my journey and I thank you
for that kindness.
Photo time again! Another in the garden series. I will get some photos
of the new “girls” and get them up, too. This photo is of
the pergola Harold built just off our bedroom. Path leads from the patio
out to the outer edge of the yard past the pergola. Lovely place to settle
in with a good book! We have large, sliding glass doors off our bedroom
so the view from the bedroom is also wonderful.
Until next time, enjoy life!
Love,
Margot a.k.a. Perky Polly (keeper of the Perky Twins, Polly and Dolly),
Joan Jett and Dramatic Drucilla. My, oh, my, no actual other “personalities”
emerged this time!
After reading through the updates, if you have any questions please email
me