Margot Update 13
November 1 - I can finally say my chemo will be over by the end
of the month. I like those words! Had one of my "need a nap NOW"
days, otherwise feel pretty good. I think I overdid it yesterday but it
was worth it! Hope you enjoyed the photo of Ghoulish Gertrude a.k.a. known
as Bones! Hope it made you realize that life can go on despite being in
the middle of chemo and reconstruction.
Took photos today of me in all my wig personas. Will include one a week
until you have seen them all. Marian will be including them on the BC
web site, too. I hope you all got a chance to visit the wonderful site
she created for me/us.
Getting a bit jumpy about the chemo treatment next week. I know it doesn't
hurt but I still dislike knowing I am going to feel crappy for all those
days afterwards. I do know I am doing well, I do know this one will make
me only have one treatment left, I do know the treatments are killing
off the "little devils that might have gotten away", I do know
I am winning the battle - still can't help the anticipation! Wimpy Wilma
is trying to get under Brenda Braveheart's skin! I must do the pulling
up of the bootstraps thingee and pull myself together! Jaime will be here
in a couple of days - be nice to see her again and have her know exactly
what is happening to her mother. It will be comforting for both her and
me. I know Jen and Harold are both looking forward to seeing her, too.
They are probably going to give her the duty of trying to find something
I can eat for my two sick days. No more clear soup I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe never again! I may have to eat Jell-O for two days and then I will
hate that, too!
Lesson time! Myth: If the mammography report comes back as "negative,"
there is nothing else to worry about. Fact: Mammograms do not show 10%
to 15% of all breast cancers. Any suspicious mass must be further investigated.
Note from me - almost didn't put this one in as it is a bit depressing
but I vowed to be honest here so you need to know this, too. Just remember
that all my mammograms were okay until this last one. Dr. M. told me that
the cancer could have been there for a while but just too small to detect.
Bummer info I know, but you just must be vigilant!
How about a good lesson to follow that downer one? Myth: Removal of the
entire breast is safer than segmental mastectomy (partial or lumpectomy)
and radiation therapy. Fact: Survival is similar for patients who have
breast-conserving therapy and those who undergo total or modified radical
mastectomy. Note from me - there now, wasn't that nicer news!
November 2 - This weary business is for the birds! Woke up at
7 a.m. after a full nights sleep and had to nap again from 9 - 11 a.m.!!!!!!!!
I mean, I just got up! This is what it feels like is happening - my body
is a computer and it needs to run the repair program, so other programs
that are not needed at the moment (that would be me!) are shut down during
the repair time. Finally woke up all the way and got my wits about me
and went outdoors, it is the beginning of my "out of prison"
time after all. Worked outdoors for the rest of the day, felt fine. Cooked
dinner and was watching a little TV afterwards and some poignant moment
on a show made me weepy and then the dam burst!!!!!!!!!! For about four
hours I could not stop crying, feeling very sorry for myself, having a
regular old pity party! What an emotional roller coaster day this has
been.
November 3 - Well, another fun day (said very sarcastically!).
I cried so much last night that now my face is swollen and my nose won't
stop running because of the loss of nose hair. Oh yea. Today is fill day
and I had a lunch date with a friend (that was fun for real!).
Romantic Rose was the pick of the day. She is the soft curly, tousled,
kind of strawberry blond wig. Since I think she is soft and sweet, I wore
faded denim that I had decorated with ribbon embroidery. Aside from the
swollen eyes, I looked okay.
Went for my fill and got the good news that I have sprung a leak in my
left boob!!!!!!!!!! Also had noticed a new lump (among the many other
lumps that are there!) on the right one and Dr. J. feels it is just a
fatty deposit or cyst but wants me to have Dr. M, the oncologist, look
at it to be sure. Geez Louise! I did tell him that Murphy's (as in Murphy's
law) last name was Clark! I had two choices on the leak - one was another
surgery to replace the leaky one or two was to keep filling it, which
will keep the space open until the surgery implant time, which is tentatively
scheduled for the end of December, or beginning of January. It is just
saline solution inside the expander so my body just absorbs it. Well,
an extra surgery is at the very bottom of things I want to do and we couldn't
do it until after chemo is over anyway and I get my strength back so he
feels that the timing would be about the same. I opted for the continuous
fill. He said I might be sore from them because he will have to pump a
bit extra, but I would rather be sore than face extra IV's, anesthesia,
etc. He did say it was a small operation with a small incision and would
be in and out of the hospital the same day but I hate even the thought!
My left boob had also turned yellow so was questioning that - seems that
is bruising from the last fill when I got 110cc. Will probably have it
again since I got 90 cc in the left one today. I told him I thought maybe
it was rotting off! He laughed and then told me that if I had any parties
to go to, to come in and get a fill in the left one before going so my
boobs would be even! The good news is that the right one is done until
the implant. I don't think he liked Romantic Rose - told me she looks
like Harlot Hannah!!!!!!! Hmmmmmmmpf! What does he know! His office gals
liked her! They both said they like the other ones better, though. Well,
I like Rose! After I post all my personas, you can give me your opinion
on which one looks the best.
Exhausting day, to bed at 9 p.m. This was the bedtime ritual - Start
off by beginning to take the stool softener in preparation for the upcoming
chemo on Wednesday. I will beat this constipation problem! Then the Darvocet-N
to stave off pain from the fill stretching my chest muscles (only have
to take that the first night after a fill). Apply Neosporin to chemo port
scar where I dug out that dreadful stitch. Apply lotion to my boobs to
keep skin soft so it can stretch and also lotion to my little bald head.
Now floss gently, brush teeth with Biotene toothpaste and then rinse with
Biotene mouthwash to prevent mouthsores from the chemo from dry mouth.
Then put AYR Gel in my nose because of the dryness caused by the chemo,
which is exacerbated by the nose hair loss and the dust from gardening.
Then eyedrops due to same chemo/gardening dryness. Then heavy-duty hand
cream to my cuticles - same dryness, easy to get an infection through
cracked cuticles. No wonder I am tired!
Speaking of hair loss. Went to shave my underarms this morning - you
know you must do that right before going to the doctor! Well - nothing
there! You can tell that I haven't lost the hair - it just hadn't grown.
Also, my eyelashes and eyebrows are still there but my eyes itched yesterday
(probably form the yard work, dust, pollen, etc.) and I rubbed the corners.
The eyelash hairs on the bottom corners apparantly broke off and since
nothing is growing, they are just stubble at the corners! Bald-headed
Beatrice looks the same, too! To put this very genteelly, the "nether
regions" are getting very thin, too!
November 4 - Jaime in tonight! Won't see her until tomorrow morning
though since Jen is picking her up and going on to her house for the night.
I must say that having her come in from Dallas is a nice perk for having
to have the dreadful chemo.
I am beginning to be Perky Polly, on the right anyway. Lop-sided Louise
on the left. Laying in bed this morning on my back and there she was -
being her perky self (Polly, that is)! As of the moment the left one was
three quarters perky. I put my old bra on to check for size and I am about
the same size as I was, (right only mind you, so bra looked a bit odd,
felt very odd too, reinforced my decision not to wear the dratted things
ever again!) but more centered and of course, perky! I equate to a 38C
which may sound large but remember, I am a pleasingly plump lady so cannot
have boobs that are too small or my tummy will be bigger than they are
and I can't have that!
November 5 - Third chemo! Treatment went as usual, no pain, no
nausea. Dr. M. feels that the lump is nothing more than tissue shifting.
I have an appointment with my general surgeon, Dr. P. the day before my
last chemo, (at the end of the month or have I mentioned that already?
Love saying that!) and he wants Dr. P. to look at it , too, but feels
it is of no cause for concern. Thank heavens! A funny thing happened in
the examining room. I went over my list of questions and saved the lump
for last. Jaime and Jennifer were in there, too, along with Dr. M and
his intern, plus me, of course. Small room, lots of people. When I asked
about the lump on my boob, I said, "As if my boobs aren't lumpy enough,
now I have another one!", he said he would get me a gown. I said,
"Do we have to do all that? Can't I just pull up my shirt and show
you? I have absolutely no modesty when it comes to this." He said
they were told that was not "gentlemanly" - I said I didn't
care about that, I just wanted him to see the lump. So, up went the shirt!
Dr. M is much more formal than Dr. J or Dr. P and Jaime said she thinks
he and the intern are not sure how to deal with me since I am "exuberant"
in her words, instead of sickly. She said he would also probably have
been more comfortable with the word breast instead of boob. Well, to my
new way of thinking a breast is what you develop and it is yours. A boob
can be manufactured as are mine, now. Since I have no breast tissue left
I find it hard to call them breasts - they are now boobs (or Perky Pollies,
Lop-sided Louises') to me as they are now just muscle, rubber and saline!
Maybe after the nipple reconstruction I will consider them breasts again.
We'll see. All my blood counts were up, a couple even in the normal range.
I attribute that in part to the visit to the nutritionist and concentrating
on eating a more healthy diet. I did find out from Dr. M, though, that
the extra iron I am eating to combat the anemia is of no use at the present
time, because the anemia is caused by the chemo affecting my bone marrow,
not a lack of anything in my diet. He wants me to back off my iron adding
campaign until after chemo is over. I also got a qualification on "sick
people's food" for the two days following chemo or as long as my
tummy is unsettled. First chemo I did a clear liquid diet - Yuk! Second
time went to soft diet - that was okay but a still a bit limiting. He
said just mild foods were what he considered sick people's food. Good,
that allows a bit more freedom in food choices. I can also take the Zofran
for a third say if necessary, but it won't work after three days! I also
started the stool softener last Friday to get it in my system and actually
bought the generic brand of Senokot-S that is recommended. I had been
using a cheaper brand from Walgreen's. Will see if the new regimen will
work. Dr. M says I will probably have it figured out by the time my chemo
is over!
Came home, was just tired, I think more emotionally tired this time.
Was there from 1:15 to 5 p.m. Long day at the doctors. Ate small snacks
throughout the evening, my favorite seems to be dry toast with a small
spreading of peanut butter. Good old saltines and lots of liquid to wash
the chemo out of my system. Did I tell you all that Excel Queen Jennifer
made me up daily nutrition charts to track my eating and liquids? Works
great because it is easy to forget how much or what you ate or drank.
I am supposed to be sure that at least three of my liquids are just plain
water so it is good for me to have that marked down. I'm sure she would
share the charts with anyone who wants them!
A reader asked me a question to ask the doctors. She wanted to know if
all the years we women spend in constricting bras and especially underwires,
contribute in any way to an increased risk in breast cancer. I had already
asked Dr. P the question on underwires because I had worn them forever
and he said no. I asked both Dr. J and Dr. M about all bras and neither
felt they were a contributing factor. Just some FYI.
November 6 - Today is my wedding Anniversary. Needless to say,
we are postponing the celebration this year. Nice to have all my family
here for it though. A positive thought, even though I am not feeling so
hot right now and we have to celebrate later, I will be celebrating "later"
for a long time to come!
Easy night, finally went to bed about midnight and just set the alarm
for 2 a.m. to be sure I took the Zofran at the eight hour mark. Was able
to go back to sleep easily and slept through the night. That is a first
on the night of chemo and a very pleasant surprise. Usually sleep is sporadic
the first couple of days after. Feel okay this morning, slight headache
and a bit sluggish but other than that, I feel fine. Went for a nice walk
this morning with Jaime and Jen, thought, hey, maybe this one will be
different, but no…..by around 11:00 I was needing to rest. I could
feel as the day wore on that my energy level was dropping although I was
able to be up and about some. Appetite going, so all is normal!
November 7 - Slept all night - yea, yippee, hurray! Started off
for a little walk this morning and had to cut it short. Of course, Jaime
did point out that I just had chemo two days before so it shouldn't have
been a total surprise! She was more surprised that I was able to go for
a walk! Different perspectives! She left this morning to return home to
the DFW Dallas airport, get in her car, drive to the Love Field airport
in Dallas and fly out to Houston to each a class on Saturday! Makes me
tired just thinking of doing that! She and Jen left about 11:00 and I
was back sound asleep as soon as they got out the door. Things went downhill
after that. Started really feeling bad, my poor tummy is taking the brunt
of all this I swear. No desire to do anything except to be still. I feel
weak and weary this time instead of just fatigued. Now I know exactly
what "weary" means - look how all this is improving my vocabulary
and word understanding!
November 8 - I know I am late this time but I have done nothing
but sleep and sit all day, no desire to do anything at all. I am totally
exhausted this time. Hope this doesn't last too long. However, I am now
three quarters of the way through, only one more to go and I will be done!!!!!!!!!!!!
All this talk of feeling crappy is for recording purposes, I know that
since I feel so bad, the battle is raging inside with Brenda Braveheart
and the chemo soldiers sweeping my body clean of any nasties that tried
to sneak away after the surgery.
Do have a funny story for you, though. My package arrived today from
TLC - Tender Loving Care catalog from the American Cancer Society. They
cater to women who have lost their hair and breasts. I had ordered a new
wig - Melissa, (their name not mine) and some hats. Melissa is longer
than the rest and a dark brown, similar to my own hair color (no gray
though!). In the catalog looks like an ordinary hairstyle. Well, Melissa
has to go -she makes me look quite a bit like the wolfman and that is
not exactly the image I am trying to create with my various wig personas!
Now, I am a big fan of "big hair" but even I have my limits!
Sorry no picture this time. Just feeling too poorly to bother with editing,
uploading and all that is required to get it in here. Next week for sure!
Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, if I lie!
I do have a question though, for all of you. Is there anything else needed
on the BC Journals web site? I have added a new category - Helpful Hints
and will be adding links to web sites I found helpful. Anything else????????????
Should be live by the end of the month. I must say, Marian is doing a
bang up job on my regular web site too. Soooooooooo glad I decided to
tackle this while I am going through this chemo mess. I do look forward
to seeing the progress made with me only having to input stuff into email
for her! I feel something is being accomplished since I just cannot focus
on being creative right now so I feel like I am being productive in some
way. Important to me, being productive. Must come from my mother all those
years ago. If she found you being idle, she would say to find something
to do or she would find something for you! Always was better if you found
something yourself!
As always, thanks so much for your care and concern, my caring bubble
is still intact even if I am whining!
Love,
Margot, a.k.a. Brenda Braveheart Warrior Queen
After reading through the updates,
if you have any questions please email
me
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