Update 20
Twenty!!!!!!!!!!!! Twenty updates, once a week - that is five months!
Five months seems like a really long time on one hand and then it seems
like this has all been a blur and time has no meaning.
A surprising observation on the Bald-headed Beatrice photo - a number
of you wrote to tell me that you feared to see that photo because of what
it represented and were relieved to see I looked fairly normal - just
bald. One friend who shall remain nameless, said she was not giving me
any sympathy when I looked that good! Got a big kick out of that one!
I hadn't really given any thought as to why I sent it out, just that I
felt I needed to do that. So, I guess the reason was to lessen one more
of the great fears that people have about this dread disease. I'm glad
that is so because losing my hair is still one of the most hated things
that happened to me during this whole thing. I have always been very vain
about my hair so sending out a photo with none at all was a little hard
for me to do. I had some people write that it made them uncomfortable
by my showing Bald-headed Beatrice and I think that is because up till
then they could pretend I was okay and had stuffed the nastiness about
the cancer away because I do look okay in the photos with hair. With no
hair, it is hard to pretend I am okay and the reality is harsh.
December 20 - I am reflecting on what I enjoy now. The cat laying
on me sound asleep and cuddling as she sleeps, the sun coming in through
the window in the late afternoon casting long shadows, sleeping without
an alarm, feeling better every day, lunch with friends, fresh fruit and
veggies, quiet times with Harold, spending time with Jennifer just hanging
out, talking with Jaime on the phone, poking about in the garden………
I enjoyed these things before but not with such intensity. Having a life
threatening disease can really open your eyes to what is important and
makes even the smallest things have great significance. I have really
gotten to know my family better and appreciate them more through this
whole journey and my friends, too. Amazing since you think you really
know these people! This is a very positive side to all that has happened.
Started off great guns this morning with tummy exercises and a walk.
Got about 1/3 of the way into the walk and realized I would have to cut
it short this morning. Feet were dragging by the time I got back home.
Didn't feel bad, just felt like I had been walking about ten miles! Then
by (guess what time?) one o'clock I really needed a nap and then slept
for 4 hours! Now, I have decided to actually name these naps. I used to
take a power nap once in awhile - fifteen minutes to a half an hour -
that is a nap. These things are called Maintenance Naps! Like I said before,
it is like when you run a computer scan to repair damage to programs that
are not functioning properly, my computer requires that all unnecessary
programs be shut down while it performs these tasks and my body seems
to be following that program, too.
December 21 - Big day! Off to see "ICE" at the Gaylord
Palms Resort here in Orlando. It was fantastic! If any of you have been
to the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, the Gaylord Palms was built on that
concept. The hotel is built around a huge atrium so you go inside the
hotel and then outside to the marketplace where all the shops and restaurants,
these are entire separate buildings, are located in an outdoor setting,
some of which then had outdoor settings of their own. As my friend Bibbi
from Sweden would say after viewing such a setting at the New York New
York Hotel in Las Vegas one year - "So you are really inside, outside,
inside, outside?"
We went early to the show so there were not a lot of people there yet.
A long corridor told the story of how the show got there and facts like
there were two million pounds of sculpted ice inside! Showed some of the
drawings used to create the sculptures. Fascinating! Before entering the
show we were all given long parkas to wear since the temperature inside
was a constant nine degrees! I got an extra large so it would fit over
my long coat I had on. Well, they weren't kidding - I looked like Nanook
of the North in that thing! I am short and when I put the hood on, I looked
like a walking coat! Harold helped with buttoning me up and with the hood
but when he pulled on the hood I felt Sassy Simone move! I could barely
see out of the opening so he pulled the hood back more - there she went
again! Jennifer looked at me and started to laugh because my "hairline"
now began not far above my eyebrows! Looked a bit like a Neanderthal!
Stuffed Simone back under the hood and figured I would worry about her
later! In we went and it was COLD! The sculptures were magnificent! They
were huge! Whole scenes had been created all out of crystal ice, white
frosted ice and colored ice. There were ice slides - Jen and I went down
one - Harold preferred to just watch. Now, I have a bit of arthritis and
it was cold in there and you had to sit down to slide and also then get
back up and in the Nanook coat to boot - when I got to the bottom of the
slide I thought -"Oh-oh! How the *#$#* am I going to get back up!"
I could just see me flailing about on the slippery ice! Luckily, they
had a nice man there to help you up - still flailed a bit but not nearly
as bad as I thought! They had ice bridges with huge bears throwing snowballs
on one side and penguins skating on the other side. Amazing! There was
an angel with outspread wings that stood about fifteen feet tall and a
complete nativity set, all larger than life out of the crystal ice. Just
stopped you dead in your tracks with the sheer beauty of it all. At the
end, Harold was feeling a bit like an icicle so he left and Jen and I
went back to the beginning to see it all one more time. We were cold but
it was worth it! When we got outside, Jen and I headed for a corner where
I could adjust Sassy Simone as the hood came off. Definitely a two person
operation. Of course, we got a fit of the giggles as we were trying to
be discreet! Luckily, Sassy Simone is a messy hairstyle! Off to lunch
then at the Cracker Barrel, found a Demdaco Angel of Hope ornament by
the same artist that created my Angel of Courage figure that sits on my
computer, so just had to have it as that is the stage I will be in for
the rest of my life. Left there and stopped for coffee at Starbuck's near
our house. Now I am really tired! Got home and plopped my tired butt in
the recliner for about five hours! Only slept for about ten minutes but
felt like all my bones were turning to Jello! Worth it though, had a great
day!
December 22 - A miracle! Up all day! A bit wobbly feeling in the
morning but that went away as the day wore on.
December 23 - Ran errands then went to my friend Patte's house
for "tea." I knew it was just the two of us but when I went
in to the dining room there were places set for six. I said, "I thought
it was just the two of us?" She said, "It is." I asked,
"Well then, who are all these place settings for?" She said,
"Read the place cards." Oh my - one was for Brenda Braveheart,
one for Lop-sided Louise, Hard Rock Hannah and Happy Holly! Patte said
the table looked a bit empty with just two settings so she set it for
some of the rest of my personas! How fun that was. We had different varieties
of tea, fresh strawberries dipped in chocolate, little sandwiches and
tea cakes - quite a spread! She even sent me home with homemade soup for
Harold! Stopped at the grocery store on my way home, unpacked groceries
and was done for the day! Of course, even if I was not recuperating I
think I would have been tired after all that!
December 24 - Christmas Eve. Lounged about most of the day, took
a nap in the afternoon, then went to Jen's for dinner. She has begun the
tradition of having Christmas Eve dinner at her house and I love it because
we used to have hot dogs or something at my house because I was still
busy finishing up stuff for Christmas Day! Nurse Martha joined us. Everything
was beautiful and the food (lasagna, salad, rolls and flan for dessert)
was wonderful. Even had a bit of wine! Jen is going to a new church and
I went with her to the ten o'clock service. Harold went on home as he
has a dreadful cold. Poor man, he has been sleeping in his recliner the
past two nights so I don't get sick! So far, so good! The church service
was wonderful and there was lots of singing by all of us and they had
wonderful musicians and singers on the stage. One woman sounded like Barbra
Striesand and another like Celine Dion! Was I impressed!!!!!!!!! The whole
service was really great - it was an actual visual production including
painted angels projected on the walls, so I was in heaven (no pun intended!)
and was sorry when the service ended. That was a first! Nice day, no feeling
sorry for myself, boobs only hurt a little so I was a happy camper.
December 25 - Christmas Day - Slept late, Jen came over and we
opened gifts. Stuck a standing rib roast in the oven at ten o'clock as
my part of Christmas dinner at Nurse Martha's house. Quieter Christmas
then usual here, we have all had quite enough excitement in our lives
over the past months! A lot of thought went into our gifts this year.
All of us have nothing we really need, if we really want something chances
are we have already gotten it during the year. Sent some small, fun things
to the grandchildren along with a check for Jaime & Co. Jaime loves
to hang out in Half Price Books and is thrilled when she has mad money
to spend on whatever she wants. Thad is putting together a home theater.
Chloe and Caleb wanted walkie-talkies so they purchased the ones they
wanted and we contributed to the fund! That works so much better, especially
with them so far away. For Harold, I gave him an appointment I had arranged
with the clock store to repair his beloved grandfather clock he bought
while we were in Italy. He got gift cards to Home Depot and Harbour Freight,
his two favorite stores from the girls. Don't you know, he cannot wait
until tomorrow to get to those stores! For Jen we gave her a full day
of pampering beginning with breakfast at Panera Bread, then on the a huge
mall that is about an hour away, then lunch at her choice of restaurant
and some mad money to spend shopping! She loved it! Harold gave me an
Angel of Hope statue to match my Angel of Courage, mad money to spend
on my day shopping with Jen and…………tickets for two
to Cirque de Soleil and dinner at Downtown Disney! Jen and I will go as
he said he doesn't really want to see "men in padded tights"
(his words) and Jen and I do, along with the show of course! He will be
sorry he didn't go - I have only heard great things from others who have
seen the performance. Jen gave me another piece to my Fontanini Nativity
- "Chloe" a harpist and singer and with the same name as my
granddaughter! Jen also gave me a priceless gift - a donation from her
to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation along with a matching donation
from CNA Insurance, the company for which she works. We all got really
teary eyed over that one! We quite like the idea of giving "activities"
or "interests" instead of material things. Got a wonderful buckwheat
filled neck pillow to ease my ache and pains (I have degenerative disc
disease in my neck and lower back - just old age there!) from Jaime &
Co along with a beautiful, sheer, storage bag (will use for my "unmentionables"
when I travel). Got a separate package from the grandchildren that had
a card written out by Chloe (6) for her and Caleb (3) with a photo frame
for Gramma and a Texas coffee mug for Paw-Paw. So sweeeeeet!
I have saved the most unusual gift for last………Jen's gift
to Harold and me. You must remember that this is from a woman who doesn't
like to think her parents even think about "you know what!"
She kept hesitating about giving it to us and then finally said, "Hurray
and open it before I change my mind." She gave it to Harold to open
and I saw the look on his face when he pulled of the wrapping paper and
thought, "What in the world…………!" He has
a huge grin on his face and he hands the box to me. Never in a million
years would you guess what this could be! Red sequined pasties with long
red tassels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jen bought them in Spencer's Gifts at the
mall and said all the sales guys were smiling at her (I'll bet) and she
wanted to tell them they were for her mom (like they would have believed
that even though it was true!) She said she couldn't wait to get out of
there but simply could not resist getting them for me/us! Both Harold
and Dr. J have teased me that I could have a new career if I could figure
out how to make tassels move in different directions after I found I could
flex my chest muscles! Maybe I should wear them to my doctor's appointment
on Monday! Remember what I said about being a Las Vegas showgirl? I do
love sparkle and I do love red! I just happen to have red sequin earrings,
a tube top, matching belt and evening bag, all in red sequins, from years
ago when I was thinner! Wore them with black velvet blazer and long skirt
to the Annual Christmas Chief's Ball in Italy I did! We all just about
died laughing at my new tasseled pasties! Took them down to Nurse Martha's
to show them off! On top on my clothing, mind you, not QUITE ready for
a "real" viewing! Harold even demonstrated at one point - now
that was hilarious! Before this year, Jen would never have done such a
thing and we would have thought it very weird had she done so, but ……………the
past six months have been about nothing but my boobs so it did seem appropriate
this year and it WAS funny!
Dinner was great, just us, Nurse Martha, her daughter Heather, son-in-law
Bruce and her grandson Darcy. We all contributed to the dinner and it
was all wonderful. Came home with a full tummy and miracle of miracles
- I am still awake! I feel perfectly normal today.
Poor Jaime though, please say a little prayer for her, she is having
a time with the tonsillectomy. She had a bout of nausea on Saturday night
and with her throat being so sore from the operation she was in a lot
of pain when she threw up for six hours! That settled down and then last
night she was in the emergency room because she was spitting up blood!
Apparently when the scab from the tonsillectomy sloughs off, sometimes
(rarely they said) a blood vessel bursts. Thad had her gargle ice water
all the way to the ER and they basically told her if it happened again
she would have to go to a different ER (farther away of course) that had
a ENT doctor on duty. She asked for the worst case scenario and he said
"You could bleed to death." Well, that was encouraging! Feel
so very badly for her. I finally feel good and now she is hurting. Its
okay when you feel bad but not your children, even if they are grown up
adults with children of their own. Under normal circumstances I would
have been there, helping, so I feel at loose ends knowing she is in pain
and could use her "Mama!"
December 26 - I am a free person! It is a month after my last
treatment so I no longer have restrictions of any kind!!!! Yea! Yippee!
Hurray! Of course, the doctor expects me to still use common sense but
just knowing that at least the chemo related stuff is over makes me so
happy! Also, no nap needed since Wednesday! I know that is only two days
but that is the longest yet I have gone without a Maintenance Nap! Things
are definitely looking up!
Will be interesting to see how we all handle Christmas next year. Will
we keep our feelings from this year or go back to what was the "norm"
before? Don't know, but I am hoping to keep a lot of the things we did
from this year as this was really a great Christmas. Liked spending more
time with family and friends instead of being in a shopping and decorating
frenzy. Liked going places together as a family. Wish Jaime & Co.
lived closer so we could all be together but we are thankful we have Jen
close by. Feel closer this year to family, friends and God. Nice feelings.
No craziness worrying if I got "just the right gift" for someone.
What's in store for me next year besides finishing up with reconstruction
and follow-up doctor visits? I don't know but I am looking forward to
2004 and a very fulfilling life!
Had a little excitement this afternoon. We went to Home Depot to get
some new cabinets for above my new washer and dryer that were not Christmas
presents and were backing out of the parking space and all of a sudden
Harold slams on the brakes and throws the truck into drive, squeals the
tires and then "Crash!" Another guy in a car was also backing
up and he apparantly never saw us so just kept on backing up. He obviously
didn't look in his rearview mirror as we were much larger and higher than
he was! No damage to us but his taillight was broken and he had a dent.
Called the police but no one got a ticket, the officer said it was Christmas,
no one got hurt and no one was mad so "Have a nice day!" Whew!
Off to Wings tonight - it is Friday after all! Of course, we had to tell
a couple of the waitresses there about Jen's generous gift of the red
sequined tassels. Some of her friends were there having dinner so we told
them, too! Everyone teased her unmercifully but she took it all with good
humor.
Poor Jaime is still having a time with her tonsillectomy. Still having
the bleeding bouts but the doctors say that should lessen as the area
heals. Told her that she should be feeling quite well in another 4-5 days!
That would be a total of two whole weeks of having your throat hurt! I
only felt really bad for four days at the most with chemo! They live in
Dallas, Texas, we live in Florida and I can't go to help, Thad's parents
live in North Carolina and his mom had a hip replacement when I had my
mastectomy surgery and his dad just found out he has prostate cancer (how
ironic after I just posted my friend's message, but…..they have been
watching his PSA count for years, he had a full body bone scan and it
does not look like it has spread so they just have to decide on what they
want to take during surgery and his prognosis should be just fine. Another
great story for early detection!) so they cannot come to help either.
Luckily, they have great friends who have helped with meals and the kids.
I have gotten into the habit of including a photo each week but have
run out of hair (or non-hair) personas. A friend asked if I would show
photos of my family, since I talk about them all the time and I thought,
what a great idea!  So
here goes…………first up is my darling Harold. This is
one of my favorite photos of him as it shows his wonderful, caring personality
so well. He really should have been a Vet. He loves animals of all sorts,
humans too! Look closely, that is our former cat, Kitkat, on his chest
and on his shoulder is a pigeon named Bird that he rescued from a construction
site and hand fed and even taught how to fly! D.O.G is down by his feet
but you can't see her in this photo. All these different animals in harmony
with one another and with him.
Hope you enjoy the photo!
Happy New Year!
Love,
Margot a.k.a. Leaky Lop-sided Louise, Hard Rock Hannah, Happy Holly and
Not So Tired Tina. Did you notice that Weepy Wanda seems to be taking
a well deserved rest? Hope she stays there! Brenda Braveheart returned
home after taking tea with Patte and me!
After reading through the updates,
if you have any questions please email
me
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